Succubus Dreams CHAPTER 20

I didnt expect to hear from Dante so quickly. Based on what hed verbalise rough the difficulty of the Nyx-charm, Id figured it would be a epoch if at tout ensemble. Hughs observations on the matter had only reinforced my growing skepticism ab bulge let taboo Dantes abilities.Ive got your protection, Dante told me on the ph nonpareil. Or at least as confining as I nooky ache. You compulsion it, get it on pick it up. He disconnected.I herd to Rainier V anyey, finding Dantes shop empty as usual. Guess you dont gather a lot of business so close to Christmas, huh?Actu on the wholey, he told me, emerging from the mainstay room, youd be surprised at the kind of desperation the holidays can bring out in people. Here, catch.He tossed me some(prenominal)thing baseb alone-sized. I caught it, impression a little disappointed when I studied it adpressed. It looked analogous a wicker ball, made of very thin, dark branches. Through the gaps, I could identify out a few things ins ide. One looked comparable a rock. An otherwise looked akin a feather. The overflowing-page thing rattled when I move it.This is it? I asked. This is going to mention away an uber- indicatorful dream entity? It looks handle a prop from The Blair Witch Project.It cant force her away, he verbalize. Nothing can. precisely it cl constantlyness make her think twice. Its more ofa repellent.Like citronella?He involute his eyeball. Yes, manage citronella. Depending on her energy charge, she might blow past it. If shes weak enoughwell, it might hold her prat.I examined the ball again. It unperturbed didnt look like oft to me. I sensed no power or magic hit of it, only when non all objects had an aura I could sense. For reading nonliving items, a psychic mortal tended to be more adept than a littleer immortal. My silence appeared to further annoy Dante.Look, he snapped. You dont stick out to use it, still it took a fuckload of power for me to craft it, okay? Itd be nice if you could maybe withhold your customary sarcasm for a whole five minutes to thank me.My customary sarc I halt the burst of temper scratch line to flare in me. Dante ranked near the top of my list of cynical acquaintances, barely I wasnt simply Pollyanna myself. Id given him nonhing merely a hard time since I first came to him for help. And now, studying him, I noticed he was pale and tired-looking. His eyeball were bloodshot. The ball might be worthless, but hed clearly exerted some sort of effort in making it.Youre right, I said. Im sorry. Thank you. Thank you for this.His eyebrows locomote, and I could truly call for the self-control it took for him not to mock my sincerity. He nodded. Youre welcome. We each waited for the other to speak. I dont think we knew what to do without the sarcasm. Sodid you find your angel friends?No. I apparently deficiency a fucking Bat Signal or something. Jeromes gone too. Hugh this imp friend of mine could astound a hold of him, b ut itd probably piss Jerome off if we were wrong about all this. I scowled, recalling the conversation in the deli. Anyway, Hughs pissing me off right now, so I dont raze fill in if I want his help.Dante smiled. I thought succubi were supposed to make friends everywhere they went. Or is that a myth like the bat wings and flack eyes?Hes just being an asshole about band.Dante looked at me expectantly. I sighed.He thinks us dating is a waste of time. And not because of the sex thing. He thinks Im going to get hurt.Terribly altruistic of an imp. But whence, considering your quasi-morals, Im starting to think its a bad idea to assume anything about you guys. He took a few steps toward me and playfully tapped my nose. And what about you? Do you think youre going to get hurt?No. And if I do, thats for me to deal with. Hugh shouldnt be worrying about it. And he shouldnt make Seth worry about it eitherDont get so upset about people worrying about you. It means they care. If enough of us were like that, thered be a lot less pain in the world.That was an unexpected observation from Dante. Maybe. But thered also be a lot less unnecessary stress.He chuckled and caught hold of my hand. Flipping it everywhere, he looked at the palm. A random assortment of aviations for this body? he asked.I nodded.Can you change it to your original?What, so you can read it? I thought this was a bunch of bullshit.Sometimes.I waited for more, but it didnt come. His gray eyes were serious and thoughtful as they met mine. Something in them compelled me, and with coarse reluctance, I shape-shifted my reach corroborate to the ones Id been born with. I hadnt worn my original body since the day Id become a succubus, and this baseborn change felt unnatural. I despised this form. While my original hands werent gargantuan, they were larger than was proportional to this petite frame I carried and appeared weird and mismatched.Dante held my hands in his and glanced back and forth in the mids t of the palms. afterwards just a few seconds, he snorted and dropped them both. Surprise, surprise.I shape-shifted them back to the way they had been. What? I asked.Right-handed?Yeah.He pointed to the left over(p) hand. Those lines represent what youre born with your intrinsic traits. The right hand is the hand that shows how you grow and change and adapt to what youre born with. Nature and nurture.So?Yours are identical on both hands. Your heart line is high on the palm which means you have an intense, passionate nature. No surprise there. But its skintn into a million pieces. Sliced and diced. He tapped my left hand. You were destined for heartache. He tapped my right hand. And you are going to repeat that pattern forever. You arent learning. You arent changing.If Im destined for it, wherefore what does learning or changing have to do with anything? Isnt it a done deal? I didnt like the censuring tone in his voice, like Id done something wrong by having these palms.Dont sta rt, he said. Im not a philosopher and dont want to get into any pre-destination or free-will debates. Besides, palm reading is a bunch of bullshit.Yeah, I said dryly. So I hear.To my surprise, Dante put his arm close to me and drew me close in a sort of half-hug. Be careful, succubus. Youve got a mess o dangerous things in your life right now. On all fronts. I dont want to see you get hurt either.I stayed in the embrace and rested my head on his chest. When did you get so nice? are you still trying to get me into bed?Im ever trying to get you into bed. He pressed a kiss to my forehead, to my nose, and thus to my lips. But I kind of like you too. Just decide out.I set home after that, a bit confused over Dantes surprising behavior. Thinking about him, I soon arrived in queen Anne before I knew it. I demonstrate neither Vincent nor the angels in my apartment and decided to go to the bookstore. I had today off too, but I knew they were quick and could use the extra help. I nee ded the distraction.Just before closing, Seth called my cell and asked if I could pick him up at his brothers. He and Terry had indeed gone to see the movie, but Seths car was truly here in Queen Anne and he needed a ride now since Terry had earlier picked him up. I finished what I was working on in my office and headed out.Terry and Andrea greeted me warmly when I showed up, reminding me to come to Christmas dinner veritable(a) though Id ache since told them Id be there. They always regarded my relationship with Seth as a tenuous, fragile thing (which it was) and felt compelled to do all they could to protect it. The lady friends were as thrilled as always to see me, and they assaulted me with questions and chatter.All except Kayla. Shed apparently gotten to stay up late tonight. In some ways, her silence wasnt surprising. Aside from the startling conversation the other night, she almost neer spoke anyway. But usually, shed come forward with the other girls to see me. Tonigh t, she simply stayed on the edit, watching me solemnly. When Seth made motions to leave, I broke from the girls and went over to Kayla.Hey, you, I said, sitting down beside her. Hows it I hadnt touched her, but Kayla suddenly jerked away from me as though shed been burned. Backing up, she scrambled off the couch and tore out of the room. We heard her littler footsteps on the stairs as she ran to her room.Startled, I looked at the others. What did I do?No idea, said Andrea, puzzled. Shes been fine all night.Something must have gotten into her, said Terry. No state with kids. Especially with girls. He mussed Kendalls hair, and she yelped.Everyone promptly forgot about Kayla and continued to make farewells to Seth and me. I spoke to them half-heartedly, though. Kayla was always happy to see me, and last time, shed demonstrated a special trust and belief in me. Tonight, she had looked at me with abject terror. Why? Was it a little girl mood? Or was there something hanging on me from another plane that I couldnt see?Just before we left, I asked if I could go express good-bye to Kayla and give talking to her another shot. Upstairs, I found her curled into a corner of her bed, clutching the unicorn. Her eyes widened in terror when she motto me, and I geological periodped in the bedroom door.Hey, I said. You okay?No answer, just wider eyes.I wont come any closer, I said. Promise. But, pleasejust tell me. What do you see? Why are you afraid of me?For a moment, I didnt think shed answer. Then, finally, she spoke in a voice I could barely hear.Youre bad, she whispered. Why are you so bad?That wasnt what Id been expecting. Id thought maybe shed tell me there was a ghostly hag hovering above my head. Something in Kaylas words made my stomach sink. I knew I was evil it was kind of the definition of a Hellish servant. I lived day to day with my eternal task, seducing and corrupting men. But somehow, a little girl telling me I was bad hit me harder than the cruelest, most profane accusation could. Without another word to her, I headed back downstairs.As I drove Seth back to my place, I gave him the scoop on the angels and my subsequent lack of progress.Youve got some creature stalking you, and you decided to go into work? He sounded both amused and exasperated. You might as well have gone to the movie with me.Oh. I felt kind of stupid. I didnt want to interrupt any brotherly bonding.And, he added, you forgot.I never forget about you, I said stoutly. But I was kind of distracted.Funny how thats never a good excuse when the roles are changeMy apartment was still empty when we got there. I left my coat and Dantes charm in my bedroom and then went to sit on the couch with Seth. I hate waiting, I told him. Why does this always happen? Some big, supernatural crisis pops up in my life, and I always end up sitting around and feeling useless. Im always dependent on others.No, you arent, he said, lacing his senses through mine. Youre wonderful and capab le. But you cant do everything.I just wish I could do something else at any rate shape-shift and look good. I wish I could, I dont know, shoot laser beams out of my fingers or something.You think thatd stop Nyx?No. But itd be cool.Me, I always wanted frost power.Frost power?Yeah. Seth gestured dramatically toward my coffee table. If were talking superhero abilities. If I had frost power, I could wave my hand, and suddenly that whole thing would be covered in ice.Not frost?Same difference.How would frost and/or ice power help you press out crime?Well, I dont know that it would. But itd be cool.I laughed and snuggled into Seth, feeling better. I could wait this out.Are you hungry? I asked him. Yasmine and Vincent have been waging their own version of moderate Chef around here.We went to the kitchen and found it stocked with more food than it had ever had since I moved in. I unwrapped a plate of what appeared to be slices of freshly baked shortcake. Seth pointed to the refrigerator. If there are strawberries in there, its proof of Gods existence.I opened the door and peered around. Get ready for a religious experience, I told him, pulling out a bowl of chopped-and-sugared strawberries. With the other hand, I pulled out a larger bowl covered in plastic wrap. And homemade whipped cream.Hallelujah, he said.We piled plates high with shortcake and strawberries, and suddenly, dream entities seemed downright comical. I unwrapped the whipped cream, and Seth promptly dabbed a finger in it.Savage, I s glacialed.Heavenly, he countered, licking off the cream.He stuck another finger into the bowl and held it out to me. I leaned forward and ran my tongue over the tip. Rich sweetness flooded my babble.Mmm, I said, closing my eyes.Mmm, said Seth.I opened my eyes. Are you talking about the whipped cream?Not exactly.You talking about this?There was still whipped cream on his finger. I took it into my rim and sucked gently on it, cleanup spot up the last of the cream and strok ing Seths skin with my tongue. When I finished, he exhaled a held hint.Thanks for the cleanup.Cleanliness is next to godliness, I hear.I think I have more on me, though, he said.Really? I asked. Where?He swiped his finger through more whipped cream. Right here.I licked that off too, sucking and buss all of the fingers on his hand not just the guilty one. Finished, I flipped the hand over and kissed the top of it.There. Sparkling clean.Seth shook his head. Oh no.What?Youve got some on you too.Do I? Where?He dipped into more whipped cream and dabbed it on my lips, my chin, and the side of my throat.Everywhere, he said.Before I could formulate a response, his mouth was on my neck, licking and kissing with as much sensuality as I had just used on his fingers. The eroticism of it astounded me and I was but one to be caught by surprise with such things. I instinctually moved my body toward his, arching my neck back as his lips continued moving up. I felt his tongue, warm and amazingl y skilled, clean up every drop of the whipped cream on my throat before sliding to my chin and finally to my mouth.We kissed harder, confection (of the food nature) now forgotten. I felt his lips fit perfectly with my own. My back was against the counter, and Seth pressed his body against mine, trapping me. When I finally pulled back from the kiss, I could scarcely breathe. Wow, I said, eyes wide. This is why I dont cook. It only leads to trouble.Seth, still right against me, glanced left and then right. There was a heated, feral look in his eyes that made me shiver. I dont see anything too bad occurrent.Not yet, I admitted. But you know the drill.He shrugged. Yeah. But nothing bad is calamity now.It will if we mmphfSeth was kissing me again, and this time his arms went around my waist, pulling us closer still. I wrapped my own arms around his neck, tilting my submit upward to get more of the kiss. It was hot and dangerous and amazing, and I couldnt get enough. I knew, though, that Id have to get enough of it pretty quickly here and was contemplating how to stop it when Seth broke away first.Ah, I teased. Youve come to your senses.Seth smiled at me, and my heart raced at the juxtaposition of the animal desire and trademark laidback look on his casing. Nope, he said. Lets see how far we can go.You already know, I said. Weve timed this before.That was a bit of an exaggeration. Wed never had a stopwatch or anything, but wed gained a good sense of how long and how deep a kiss could go before it was time to part.He shook his head. Not kissing. This.I wore a dispirited tank top with a red cardigan over it. Seth reached out and unfastened the sweaters three large buttons and pulled it off of me. Letting it drop to the floor, he then rested his hands on my arms, fingers warm against my bare skin. He looked at me expectantly.Were timing how quickly you can take off my sweater? I asked. wrongfulness answer. Its not always about you.Removing his hands, he caught t he bottom edge of his Capn Crunch T-shirt and pulled it over his head. Hed pulled me to his chest before it change surface hit the floor, and suddenly, I was face to face with golden, delicious-smelling Seth skin. Lots of it. Resisting the urge to start kissing his chest then and there, I looked up into his face and attempted levity.Is this like strip stove poker? Exceptwithout the poker part?This, Thetis, he said, grabbing the edge of my tank top, is a test. A test to see how far we can go on all dimensions. Not just kissing.I should have stopped him, but the feel of his hands sliding up my torso was too intoxicating. The tank top went over my head and joined the other clothing on my kitchen floor.I laughed. Sowe know how much kissing we can do. Now youre trying to see how much naked we can do?Yes, he said. He was attempting a dignified air. Its a scientific experiment.Mostly it seems like you pulling off my clothes.Thats part of it. We know how much we can kiss. But can we kiss naked? How long can we kiss naked? Is it the same?I don Again, he break up me off with a kiss, and my whole body tingled as my breasts pressed up against his chest. There was nothing mingled with us, just skin on skin, and it was incredible. Between that and the kiss, I felt dizzy.And so, Seths experiment progressed. He removed articles of our clothing one at a time, then would kiss me, pause, and examine the results. When we were both completely naked, he stepped back and admired my body, his face gleeful and smug.I dont think the succubus thing is working, he said.Oh, it works, believe me, I said, suddenly nervous. Every inch of me wanted to be touched and caressed and ravaged. My skin burned. And the hunger within me the instinct that urged me to feed off human energy was raging, realizing just how close it was to dinnertime. This had started out as an amusing game, but it now occurred to me how dangerous this had become. Its less about naked and more about us not kissing so much. Remember that time we started making out in bed? I got some of your energy then, and we were dressed. Push this enough or start doing things with other parts of our bodies and itll be game over. I stepped back and reached for my shirt. But you made good scientific progress tonight, Ill give you that.Seth caught my wrist before I could get the shirt. He pulled me back to him. Just a little bit more. Just to see. He still had the same intensity and arousal all over him. Id seen it in him before but never like this.What more is there? I asked.Just one more kiss, he said, feigning innocence. Aparting kiss.Oh good grief.One kiss, Thetis. Thats it.I hesitated, then nodded. Okay. Fine. But Im onto you, so dont think you can get away with anything here.Noted.At least thats what I think he said because it came out kind of muffled with his mouth crushing mine. I was pressed back against the counter again, and his hand was moving down my ass, down the back of my thigh. We were so clos e. So, so close. Wed never been this close, this naked, before. Wed certainly never been this naked and kissing before. I felt alive and on fire, craving him both as a succubus and a woman in love. The floodgates burst, and all the passion we kept restrained flowed forth. I could feel him, how hard he was and how much he wanted me. My own body responded in kind, pushing closer and grinding against him. His hand on the back of my thigh tensed and then pulled my leg up. It was barely around his hip when I feltit.It.Seths life. Sweeter than kissing, sweeter than whipped cream. It came into me pure and bright, conflicting anything else Id ever tasted well, other than the last time Id stolen some from him. I would have moaned if my mouth wasnt preoccupied.Reason seized me, and I did my best to squirm free. My best wasnt good enough, and all I could do was slide my mouth away from his. He simply moved down, kissing my neck. The energy didnt stop.Seth. Seth. We made the point. We saw how far we can go.His eyes, full of so much longing and passion, held mine. Please, Georginawere so closejust this onceWe were so close. Too close.No. I pressed my palms to his chest. Seth diaphragm. I shoved hard. Stop I broke free all at once and staggered a few feet back, my hand catching the counter for support. The energy enrapture cut off abruptly.He reached out a hand to help steady me, but I stayed out of reach. Areare you okay? he asked.Im fine, I said, breath heavy. But you arent. I got a little a little of your energy.A little is nothing.Not to me, I said, still keeping my distance.Its not your energy, he said. His eyes were still heated and hungry. Its mine. And I think it was worth it. He took a step forward. And Id think it was worth it, even if I lost more.I held out my hand, palm-first. Stop. Dont come closer. I dont trust you.His expression became less aroused and more dumbfounded. Youdont trust me? I never thought Id hear you say that.Thats not what I meant. Exactl y. I mean, I dont know. I dont think youre going to rape me or anything, but youreuh, persuasive. And you havent been yourself lately. Ever since you got shot. Youve beenI dont know. Risky. Like youre having a mid-life crisis.Im having a life crisis, Thetis. I dont want to be one of those people who discovers on my death bed that I didnt do anything. Why cant you understand this? Youre so quick to encourage Maddie to do exciting things, but youre still trying to protect me.Itits different.How? he asked. Why is it okay for her to take risks but not me?Because theres a big difference between going rock climbing and sleeping with someone whos going to take years off your life. How long is this phase going to last? You always said it wasnt about sex between us.Its not, he said stoutly. Not at all. I love you forso many reasons. More than I can even begin to describe. But I dont want to die never having touched you. Really touched you.I stared. He was serious. How could he say he didnt w ant to die without touching me when touching me would only lead him closer to death?Youre only saying this because you havent had sex in so long, I accused. You got all off on and now youre not thinking straight.I am turned on, he agreed. By you. The woman I love. He took another step toward me but still stayed far enough away so we didnt touch. I want you, Georgina. So badly it kills me. I know you want me too. How can we go on being afraid of something we never tried? Ill take a hit for it, yeah, but if we go on for yearswithout ever knowing He shook his head and sighed. Please, Georgina. Just this once. Let us be together really together.I swallowed. He was so earnest. So sweet. So sexy. And so help me, he sounded reasonable. The calm way he spoke almost made me believe it didnt matter, that if I gave in and let our bodies come together, the loss would be small and inconsequential. I looked into his eyes and tried to convince myself of his rationalization, bringing up what Carte r and others had said. That it was Seths choice to make, nothing for me to worry about.But, of course, it was.No, I said. I cant. Please, Seth. Dont do this. Dont look at me like that. I love you too so, so much. But we cant do this. Im telling you, you just need to have sex. Go out and find someone anyone. It doesnt matter. I dont care. Itll erect all this and make it easier for us to go on.You would care, he said, voice deadly calm. You say you wouldnt, but you would.Not if it protects you.Protecting me doesnt matter.Damn it, it does I yelled, lunging forward. I drove my fists lightly into his chest, and all the emotion that had been building up throughout this argument suddenly burst out. Dont you get it? I have to protect you If anything happens to you if Im responsible for anything happening to you it will kill me. It. Will. Kill. Me. I cant handle that. I cant handle anything happening to you. It will kill meI stopped my yelling and met Seths eyes. Neither of us said an ything. And as he stared down at me, I knew what he was thinking. Because I was thinking exactly the same thing. I had just given voice to what Hugh had said, what Seth had been worried about. In my outburst, Id changed the balance of risk. It wasnt about Seth hurting. It was about me hurting.Gently, he reached out and caught my wrists. He removed them from his chest and let go. Backing up, still not speaking, he picked up his clothes and began dressing. I stayed where I was, naked and frozen.Seth I said slowly. I didnt mean it.Its okay, Thetis, he said, fastening his pants and not meeting my eyes. I understand. Im sorry. Im sorry I pushed you.No, noits notIts okay, he recurrent. His voice was so, so neutral. So, so steady. It wasnt natural. Really. But I think I need to go. I think its better for both of us, and God only knows you have enough going on without me to worry about.I felt tears starting to fill my eyes. I didnt meanI know what you meant, he said. He straightened his sh irt and finally looked at me. But seriouslyI should leave. Well talkI dont know. Well talk later. He held out his hand, like he might touch my cheek, and then let it drop. With another sigh, he said good-bye and left.I stood exactly where I was, still not moving. My heart felt like it had just had acid thrown on it. It was burning and raw. Finally, finally, it all caught up with me. My knees gave out, and I sank to the floor. It was cold and hard against my bare skin. I drew my knees up to me and buried my face in them, wondering what I had done. Part of me screamed to go follow him, to beg him to come back, to tell him we could make love and have everything we had ever wanted. Another part, half-reason and half-pride, held me back.It was that same part that had stopped me from going after Andrew that day back in the tend after wed fought about the Black Death. Id let him go and gone out of my way to avoid him after that. When the stimulate finally came to our town, my bishop was one of the first to leave. I went with him and the rest of our household. Just like in The Masque of the Red Death, there was no true place to hide from sickness. Still, some places were better than others, and my bishop took care to keep to the better places. He survived.Months went by, and stories and rumors trickled in about the town wed lived in. By that point, Id grown weary of Geoffrey and decided it was time for me to move on. I got permission from my archdemon for a transfer to Florence and sneaked out of Geoffreys house one night to make the long journey. Our old town was along the way, and a week later, I passed through it.A plague town wasnt quite like what modern people might imagine. It wasnt as though there were piles of bodies lying in the streets or anything. Not always. After all, Europe had survived the Black Death in the end, and civilization had still functioned through the worst of it. Crops were still grown, houses still built, babies still born.But the town se emed quieter and more sombre than when Id lived there. Andrew wasnt at the church when I stopped by, and an old man tending the grounds told me that Andrew was off helping some of his parishioners in one of the poorer districts.I found him there, inside the home of a brewer. The brewer had a large family eight children as well as a couple of brothers living with him. The house was small and cramped and filthy. Everyone in it was sick except for the brewers wife who wearily tried to help Andrew take care of her family.Cecily? he asked in astonishment when he saw me. He was kneeling by a teenage boy. Something inside my chest blossomed with both joy and relief. Andrew was alive. Hed stayed, fought disease, and won.I strode forward and knelt beside him. The wife, natural endowment water to a small girl, watched me uneasily. I wasnt in silk or anything, but I was clearly from a different class than theirs, and she didnt entirely know how to treat me.Youre alive, I breathed. Ive been so worried. So worried Id never see you again.He smiled that gentle smile of his, and I saw more lines around his eyes than Id seen before. God didnt want to separate us quite yet, he said.I looked down at the boy. Id figured Andrew was feeding him or something, but I realized then that the priest was actually giving him last rites. The boy wore no shirt, and I could see on his neck and in his armpits the tell-tale dark pustules that had given the plague its name. The plague usually did what it was going to do in about a week, but from his emaciated look, you would have thought hed been dying for years. His eyes were fever-bright, and I didnt know if he even knew we were there.Bile rose in my throat, and I averted my eyes. Standing up, I told Andrew, Ill letIll let you finish this and wait outside. I left the house, going out to where it was warm and things werent dying.A while later, Andrew found me. I didnt ask if the boy was still alive. Instead, I said, How many of them live? O ut of all the ones you stay and risk your life for, how many of them actually survive?He shrugged. Three-quarters. Sometimes half, if theyre very young or very old.Half, I repeated flatly. Thats not very good.If one more person lives because of me, then thats very good.I looked at that confident, serene face and sighed. Youre so damned frustrating.He smiled. I sighed again.What can I do to help?The smile disappeared. Dont make light of this, Cecily.Im not. Tell me what to do.And that was how I found myself playing nurse in a small town in backwoods England. Honestly, there wasnt anything glamorous one could do to fight the plague. It was all about basics, keeping the people clean and supplied with as much food and water as they could take in. The rest was in the hands of their immune system and if you believed Andrew God. When my patients began declining past the point of no return, I usually stopped helping. I couldnt stand to watch and left them to Andrew and his prayers.But som etimes Id see people come back around, people whom Id given up on, and then I could almost believe there was a higher power at work. At least, I believed that until Andrew got sick.It started slowly at first, a fever and aches, but we both knew what that meant. He ignored it and kept working until the symptoms began compounding. Finally, he couldnt fight it. Neglecting my other patients, I devoted myself fully to him.You should help others, he told me one day. His skin was pink and blotchy, and he was starting to get the dark spots around his lymph glands. Through all the sickness and fatigue, he was still beautiful to me. Dont worry about me.I have to worry about you. No one else is. It was true. Andrew had helped so many, but no one had come to his side, despite the fact that plague survivors tended not to catch it again.It doesnt matter, Andrew told me, voice frail. Im glad theyve survived.You will too, I said obstinately, even though the signs were starting to suggest otherwise. You have to go on so you can keep doing your annoying good works.He managed a smile. I accept so, but I think my time in this world may be drawing to a close. You, though He looked at me truly looked at me and I was astonished at the love I saw there. I knew hed been attracted to me, but Id never expected this. You, Cecilyyou wont get sick. You will go on, strong and firm and beautiful. I can feel it. God loves you.No, I said sadly. God hates me. Thats why he lets me keep living.God only gives us tasks he knows we can handle. Here, take this. He touched the gold cross around his neck, but he was too weak to take it off. Take it when Im gone.No, Andrew, you wont Take it, he repeated in as firm a voice as he could manage. Take it, and whenever you see it, remember that God loves you and knows that no tragedy you face is ever too much for you to bear. You are strong. You will endure.Hot tears spilled down my cheeks. You shouldnt have done this, I told him. You shouldnt have helpe d them. You wouldve lived if you hadnt.He shook his head. Yes, but then I wouldnt have been able to live with myself.Andrew lingered a few more days after that. I stayed with him, but every moment of it was agony. I dislike watching what happened to him and was more convinced than ever that there really was no benevolent power looking after humans.He died peacefully and quietly, much as hed lived. Another priest came to administer last rites when it happened, and Andrews final conscious moments reflected hope and absolute faith in what would come next. I stayed to make sure the funeral arrangements were interpreted care of, not that there was much fanfare or anything. There were no viewings or fancy funeral halls in those days at least not for men like him.I soon left England for the continent, and after a while, the pain of his death began to take on a new form. Oh, I still missed him still burned and ached and felt like part of me had been ripped away. But added to that, guilt was starting to create a pain of its own. I felt like I should have taken better care of him. I should have insisted on him leaving with me when the plague came. Or maybe I should have gotten my hands dirtier while helping him tend the sick it might have kept him away from whomever had infected him.Florence was a beautiful city, on the verge of the Renaissance when I got there. Yet even while living amongst all that splendor and art, Andrews death tormented me for many years, the pain of guilt and missing him digging into my heart. It never entirely went away, but it did lessen it just took a really, really long time. As Hugh had said, a long life simply means having more time to mourn.